Orgies on Florida Beaches Ignite Police Warning

Florida beaches are turning into the wildest dating scene in town. Forget swiping right, we’ve got swaying left and right, and by that, I mean a bunch of frisky manatees getting their groove on in the shallow waters. However, according to WFLA, the authorities want you to keep your phone in your pocket and resist the urge to dial 911 for this peculiar form of marine romance.

Your first instinct might be to perform a daring rescue mission and push these seemingly distressed animals back into the water. But hold your horses… or in this case, manatees. You might end up with some legal trouble.

You see, these manatees aren’t actually in need of a lifeguard. They’re just engaging in some public group romance, like a bizarre episode of “The Bachelor,” marine edition. And while their acrobatic displays might be a sight to behold, it’s best to resist the urge to play matchmaker. These big boys and girls are federally threatened species, and interfering with their romantic escapades can lead to more problems than trying to figure out who gets the rose.

The experts are clear that it’s all natural behavior. Manatees mate in these herds year-round, but they really know how to crank up the heat during the summer months. So, next time you’re at the beach and witness this aquatic spectacle, remember the golden rule… Don’t call 911. The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office has enough on their plate without dealing with concerned citizens reporting manatee love affairs.

These manatees aren’t just cuddly sea teddy bears. They can grow to be massive. Getting too close might just earn you an unintentional manatee-sized hug, and no one wants to be hugged by a super horny manatee. So, let the manatees do their thing. But remember, interfering with their love story isn’t just bad for them, it’s bad for you.

So, next time you’re in on the beach and you spot what looks like a pile of entangled sea creatures, just give them a thumbs-up and a wink and let them get back to their underwater tango.

I fondly remember the days of drinking on Fort Myers Beach. It wasn’t really legal, but we did it anyway. Going to 7-11 and getting a giant Big Gulp cup and then making a mixed drink to sip on the beach. It was so common that every Spring Breaker outside the Lani Kai was carrying a Big Gulp cup. I’m pretty sure the cops knew. Florida beaches and alcohol have always gone together.

And if you’re going to drink on Fort Myers Beach, you better hide it. The Town Of Fort Myers Beach has this posted “Any person convicted of violation of Section 5 of this Ordinance may be punished by a fine not to exceed $500.00 or by imprisonment in the County jail for a period not to exceed 60 days, or both.” 60 days in jail for a Mich Ultra? Seems harsh.

The grown up version is to make a drink in a giant Yeti cup. The ice lasts so much longer. That’s how I do my summertime vodka cranberry down on Bonita Beach. Even though it’s not actually legal to do so. There used to be a sign that says “no alcohol”, but the Hurricane Ian destroyed it.

One thing to remember with alcohol on Florida beaches. It’s really never ok to bring glass. Even if no one says don’t bring glass – don’t bring glass. If you break a bottle you’ll never get all the pieces and then someone will step on it.

And it’s hot here. Don’t forget to alternate between booze and bottled water or you’ll be hurting. That dehydration headache is a killer.

Perdido Key is on the Panhandle, at the Florida – Alabama border. The local sheriff breaks down the rules: